To Whom It May Concern, 

We have just taken into our care a 41-year-old actor called Mark Pepper. Despite being professionally trained, a published novelist and a qualified secondary school Drama teacher, Mark has recently lost his way.

    His wife believes the rot set in shortly after leaving RADA in 1990 with his first misguided thoughts that he could storm Hollywood by the time Los Angeles hosted the 1994 football World Cup. Mark invited friends and family to join him in the US, but, lacking the Malibu mansion he had anticipated owning by that time, reluctantly had to withdraw his offer shortly before the opening game.

    The final straw, we believe, may have been his pitiful attempt to garner sympathy from casting directors with a pathetic, whingeing mail-shot just before Christmas 2006, which failed dismally. Despite gaining employment driving articulated lorries, Mark could no longer cope with reality and Police were last week called to Birch Services on the M62 where he was found naked, except for a Scania trucker’s cap, and freely distributing the load from his trailer – Weight Watchers Double Choc Muffins and 13.5 tog duvets. In session, Mark has admitted he did expect to be in an institution by this age, but had rather hoped it would be a drink and drugs rehab unit in the foothills of the Santa Monica Mountains.

    His ARS (Actors’ Recovery Suite) attendant is of the opinion that Mark is still able to occasionally function fractionally within the bounds of lucid thought, and that there is a road back for him, but help from the casting community cannot come soon enough. If you are at all concerned about his ability to handle complex scripts, might I suggest you start him off with one line as a waiter. The Institute offers a “buddy” service for the purpose of auditions. A recovering patient will be assigned to help Mark with the proper placement of stress within a given sentence, however we do ask that you refrain from mentioning “stress” in Mark’s presence; the Institute prefers that you use the word “emphasis”.

    Although you may find this disturbing, I have included photographs of Mark before and after his TURD (Thespian Understanding/Realization of Delusion) Moment, so that you may better grasp the seriousness of his predicament. If you feel you could offer a speck of light at the end of Mark’s long, dark tunnel, please make contact with his agent, who will be pleased to discuss the way forward for Mark. 

***** Management 0161 ******* 

    I have also included a picture Mark wanted to send to you, created with Paint software - a Godsend that prevents not only the mess of real paint, but also its ingestion. Although I am not certain it will benefit his cause, we do encourage patients to freely express themselves, and in so doing hopefully begin to purge their demons.

    Many thanks for taking the time to read this, and I trust you will be able to offer some assistance.  

Yours, 
 

Jeremiah Trellis, Bsc, Msc, FRCPsych  

Sycamore Lane, Buxton, Derbyshire, England

Registered in Great Britain as a Charity, No. 65918